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The Fruitcake Diaries

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I'm just a lonely holiday fruitcake, looking for love in this crazy world.

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Recent Posts

Mar 04

Would you like bacon with that?

To eat a fruitcake, or not. I guess if you’d rather not have the unadulterated pleasure of an all-American fruitcake, you could try one of the recipes below. But why mess with perfection. That’s right, I said it. PERFECTION. Oh, who am I (read full article)

Mar 03

I Go Fruitcake

Taffy needs to sing. “I’m listening, Taffy. Sing to me.” Is this a dream, or really really real? I Go Fruitcake from Taffy McKittrick on Vimeo. (read full article)

Feb 17

Eat this, Valentine’s Day

Many days have passed since I snuggled into hibernation in the kitchen cabinet. I dreamed of holidays and family, and everyone was so happy to see me in my dream. By the end of this dream, I was devoured by love and plastic forks, but it was worth it (read full article)

Feb 09

Ashamed 2 B Alive

My shame is almost unbearable. f.r.u.i.t C.r.a.p [Cake] from Lauresa Hollenbeck on Vimeo. (read full article)

Feb 02

Prognosticating Groundhog Is A Hoax

I’ve been hibernating in one of the kitchen cabinets for a few days now. The darkness feels good. But Valentines Day is quickly approaching and I may attempt to stoke their cold little hearts once more. This could be the holiday that does it. (read full article)

Jan 21

Best. Fruitcake Haiku. Ever.

Once on Christmas eve, with one infected fruitcake the world fell apart. Found this writer. I love him. What I realized after reading Mr. Mecum is that repeatedly-regifted, ancient fruitcakes are disastrous. Everyone likes to make fun and constantly (read full article)

Jan 19

You’re No Maud Adams

Seriously? THIS is better than fruitcake? (read full article)

Jan 18

Miniature Betrayal

My mini fruitcakes and I spent all weekend practicing how they would entice everyone in the office. The plan was to seduce these good ASO folk one by one with the deliciousness of a mini-me. My little pretties don’t scare anyone. They’re (read full article)

Jan 15

My Little Lovelies

Spontaneous procreation. It’s a beautiful thing, if you can stand the smell. The holidays are over and my manic depression has fully set in. I retreated to the darkness inside one of the kitchen cabinets. Like a grizzly, I just need to rest. Fo (read full article)

Jan 07

My Hero. My Warrior. My Superstar.

“Fruitcakes wouldn’t have become a holiday tradition if people didn’t like them.” Oh, Nicole Hedlund. You have put a smile on a grumpy old fruitcake’s face, if it can be said that we fruitcakes have faces. This Saturday (read full article)

Jan 06

Everything Is Happening As I Have Forseen It

What a devious little fruitcake you are, little fruitcake. When I first heard that the good people of Manitou Springs, Colorado would be hurling fruitcakes through the air this Saturday at their 15th Annual Fruitcake Toss, my fruits and nuts quivered (read full article)

Jan 06

Out of the Closet

I don’t know who locked me in. I don’t know if someone thought I was a doorstop, or a brick, or just another inanimate office object. Doesn’t matter. For two days, I withered away in the supply closet, breathing paint fumes, and got (read full article)

Jan 03

A Question for This Cruel World

I’m trying anything to get some love in 2010, including resorting to fantasy. Here it goes. Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll. (read full article)

Jan 03

Fruitcake Psychosis: Manic Nuts

My spirits go up. My spirits go down. Everytime I convince myself to hold my little fruitcake head up high, I find some new insults thrown at me. I was convinced 2010 was going to be MY year. It’s only January 3rd, and I’m already in doub (read full article)

Jan 01

Year of the Fruitcake

Fruitcake mysteries are like open secrets discover spices flowing through mem’ries. – Ancient cinquain January 1, 2010. A new year. A new decade. I am trying my damnedest to keep positive in this new year. The future feels good. I’ve (read full article)

Dec 31

The Other Ad Agency

Crazy thing about love is that it needs to be nurtured. If it stands alone, love will wane and die. I’ve been at this ad agency for over a month now, doing everything in my little fruitcake power to get noticed, and, more importantly, to get ea (read full article)

Dec 30

Best Use of The Copier

“With laughter, win them over, you will,” he says. Then he does another little robot dance. So strange. I guess it’s because I am, you know, a fruitcake, that I interpreted the strange little jedi’s words to mean photocopying (read full article)

Dec 29

A Clockwork Fruitcake

The good people of ASO, bless their blissfully-ignorant souls, left remnants of a gift basket in the kitchen last night. They all ate the contents but left the snowman tin can in which those awful treats came. A really creepy snowman tin can. Really (read full article)

Dec 28

The Great Fruitcake Recycling Project

Fruitcake: The Anti-Cookie Oh, friends, when will the madness end? After visions of grandeur had passed yesterday, I was busily searching the internet for someone to help me spread the word of Fruitcake Love. This little lonely fruitcake only wants t (read full article)

Dec 27

National Fruitcake Day

It just doesn’t seem possible. A national holiday dedicated to me, and, still, no one wants to nibble my juicy fruits and delectable nuts. I didn’t make this up, either. It’s a real holiday. Really really real. Look at this: Nationa (read full article)

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